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Quicker than Indy Jones cracks a whip, the summer movie season is here. Better than ever? Maybe. Bigger than ever? Probably. Earlier than ever? Definitely.
The spring season disappeared faster than Juno chugging Sunny Delight.
So here come The Blockbusters, movies made to have something for theatergoers to watch while they grab baseball-sized fistfuls of popcorn. And it starts today. Yes, today.
Here’s what will be marketed down our collective throats:
May 2
“Iron Man”
PLOT: Robert Downey Jr. plays the inventor who creates an armor suit to save the world. Action star Gwyneth Paltrow (no, really) joins the mayhem.
OUTLOOK: Big, big box office numbers and sequels.
“Made of Honor”
PLOT: Super handsome guy (Patrick Dempsey) finds his true love (pause — ‘cause you know what happens next) just as she gets engaged to someone else.
OUTLOOK: Sigh. Chick flick fans, rejoice.
May 9
“Speed Racer”
PLOT: The cartoon has been turned into a special-effect bonanza.
OUTLOOK: I already miss the animated version.
“What Happens in Vegas “
PLOT: After a drunken spontaneous marriage, Ashton Kutcher wins $3 million with Cameron Diaz’s quarter, forcing them to live together.
OUTLOOK: I hate to nitpick, but what quarter slot machine delivers $3 million?
May 16
“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”
PLOT: Ruled by evil, Narnia needs the Pevensie kids to alter that course.
OUTLOOK: I loved the first installment and everyone’s back. Must see.
May 22
“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
PLOT: It appears only Steven Spielberg knows, but Internet sources mention a kingdom, some crystal and a skull.
OUTLOOK: You’ll go. Everybody will go.
May 30
“Sex and the City: The Movie”
PLOT: The ex-HBO series lands on the big screen.
OUTLOOK: Does anyone care four years later? For hardcore “City” fans.
June 6
“You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”
PLOT: Adam Sandler moves to New York to escape his past.
OUTLOOK: Not the typical Sandler vehicle and that can only be good news.
“Kung Fu Panda”
PLOT: An animated film about a tender panda trained to fight.
OUTLOOK: Pandas are the new penguins?!
June 13
“The Incredible Hulk”
PLOT: Edward Norton plays Hulk. Interesting.
OUTLOOK: See plot.
“The Happening”
PLOT: Disaster threatens Earth.
OUTLOOK: It’s from M. Night Shyamalan, so it’s hit or miss chills.
June 20
“Get Smart”
PLOT: Steve Carell plays secret agent Maxwell Smart with Anne Hathaway as Agent 99 recreate the campy 1960s TV series.
OUTLOOK: Other than “The Office,” Carell sorely needs some time off.
“The Love Guru”
PLOT: Mike Myers becomes a self-help guru.
OUTLOOK: Wouldn’t Wayne make fun of this premise?
June 27
“Wall-E”
PLOT: A cute robot explores life in this animated Disney/Pixar film.
OUTLOOK: Fun for the whole family.
July 2
“Hancock”
PLOT: Will Smith stars as a superhero with a bad image.
OUTLOOK: Will it be funny? Or serious? Or never find the right combination?
“Kit Kittredge: An American Girl”
PLOT: American Girl doll (Abigail Breslin) becomes a writer during the Great Depression.
OUTLOOK: ’Tween girls will love it, but can its audience expand beyond that?
July 11
“Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D”
PLOT: Brendan Fraser enters an unknown world. Right. In. Your. Face.
OUTLOOK: The 3D should entertain.
“Meet Dave”
PLOT: Aliens enter Eddie Murphy’s body.
OUTLOOK: Hey, it beats “Nesbit 2.”
July 18
“The Dark Knight”
PLOT: The next Batman with “Public Enemies “ co-star Christian Bale in the cape.
OUTLOOK: Just might work.
“Mamma Mia!”
PLOT: Big-screen version of theater mega-hit.
OUTLOOK: Familiar ABBA tunes plus a familiar stage marvel equals one of the summer’s major hits.
July 25
“Step Brothers”
PLOT: Will Ferrell and John Reilly star as quarreling siblings.
OUTLOOK: Hey, “Talledega Nights” was funny and this matches Ferrell and Reilly again.
“X-Files: I Want to Believe”
PLOT: Kept a secret.
OUTLOOK: They changed the title from ultra-dull “X-Files 2” to its current one. That’s a start.
Aug. 1
“He’s Just Not That Into You”
PLOT: Romance among the beautiful and handsome.
OUTLOOK: Two Jennifers star: Connelly and Aniston. Drew Barrymore also stars. Expect to see one of these three on every talk show airing today.
“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”
PLOT: Brendan Fraser returns to “Mummy” mold with Jet Li.
OUTLOOK: Another sequel hit.
Aug. 8
“Pineapple Express”
PLOT: Indie director David Gordon Green handles this drama about two bad guys who witness bad cops in action — then must escape the cops.
OUTLOOK: Could be the summer’s most acclaimed film. Let’s hope it finds an audience.
Aug. 15
“Tropic Thunder”
PLOT: Ben Stiller and others develop a war film and wind up in an actual battle.
OUTLOOK: Can’t wait for this comedy that seems like vintage Stiller.
“Star Wars: The Clone Wars”
PLOT: It’s an animated version from Lucasfilm of the sci-fi icon.
OUTLOOK: Won’t attract interest beyond hardcore fans.
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